Some SEOs Sound Like A Bunch Of Cults

Some seos sound like a bunch of cults

It’s happening again – I’m sitting in on an ‘SEO consultation’. This time it’s for an e-commerce store. They wanted to work with me, but I don’t generally take on e-commerce sites, because of the amount of work involved. I’m just not cost-effective. But I do offer to sit in on discussions for this company, because I know them well, I wrote their copy, and I like them.

So here I am. Shrouded in darkness on Zoom, just another member of the team.

It isn’t long until the obfuscation begins:

“Oh, we can’t tell you exactly what we do – it’s proprietary information.”
“SEO is a dark art that takes years to master.”
“Your CWV isn’t optimised for SERP CTR, and your TTFB is affecting your E-E-A-T…”

(I may have made the last one up, but you get the idea.)

I almost wait for someone to bring out a crystal ball and start chanting algorithm incantations. The amount of deliberate mystification in this industry is enough to make your head spin.

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The Art Of SEO Scaremongering

See, the thing is, SEO isn’t really all that complicated. But there’s an entire industry built around making you think it is. Why? Because confused people are easier to sell to.

Scaremongering in SEO is a whole skill in itself. I often wonder if the people who spend their time doing it might not be better off just being straight and doing a good job.

But I digress.

The problem with SEO is that it’s very easy to perfect the art of making simple things sound terrifying.

Terrifying:

“Your website’s technical architecture isn’t optimised for the latest algorithm updates, and your content strategy lacks semantic relevance for modern search intent signals.”

Simple:

“Your website’s a bit slow and your content doesn’t answer people’s questions properly.”

See what they did there? They took a straightforward problem and dressed it up in enough jargon to make it sound like you need a PhD to fix it.

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Culty Tricks Of The Trade

As I sit in on this SEO consultation I make a note of the tactics that are tried, and we almost get a full house of culty behaviour:

The Sacred Knowledge Keeper

Cult Leader: “Only we know the true path to enlightenment.”

SEO Cultist: “Our proprietary techniques are too complex to explain to clients. Trust in our process.”

Translation: “If we told you what we actually do, you’d realise it’s nothing special.”

The Apocalypse Prophet

Cult Leader: “The end times are coming! Only we can save you!”

SEO Cultist: “Google’s latest update will DESTROY your rankings! Quick, sign this contract!”

Translation: “We need to scare you into making a rushed decision.”

The Special Language

Cult Leader: Uses mysterious terms only initiates understand.

SEO Cultist: “Your CWV isn’t optimised for SERP CTR, impacting your E-E-A-T signals!”

Translation: “We’re trying to sound clever by making simple things complicated.”

The Outsider Warning

Cult Leader: “Don’t listen to non-believers – they’ll lead you astray!”

SEO Cultist: “Other agencies use outdated methods. Only we understand the new algorithm.”

Translation: “Please don’t talk to other SEOs who might expose our nonsense.”

The Expensive Enlightenment

Cult Leader: “True wisdom comes at a price. Want to reach the next level?”

SEO Cultist: “That’s only our basic package. Real results require our premium service.”

Translation: “We’ll keep moving the goalposts to extract more money.”

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Beyond The Cult

If you don’t buy into the cultishness of the sales patter, there’s always more to try:

The Acronym Avalanche

SERP, CWV, E-E-A-T, DA, DR, GSC, GA4…

They throw these around rapid-fire in meetings, knowing full well you won’t interrupt to ask what they mean. By the time they’re done, you feel like you’re drowning in alphabet soup.

The “Dark Arts” Deflection

“SEO is incredibly complex and constantly changing. You couldn’t possibly understand it without years of training.”

Funny how they never explain why it’s so complex, isn’t it?

The Proprietary Tool Trap

“Our special software uses AI-enhanced algorithms to optimise your meta signals.”

In reality, they’re probably using the same tools everyone else uses, just with a fancy interface slapped on top.

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Other Red Flags That Scream “Run Away”

Once they’ve run out of steam by trying to confuse you, the other tricks in the arsenal usually come out:

The Guarantee Game

“We guarantee first-page rankings in 3 months!”

Nobody can guarantee rankings. Nobody. If they do, they’re either lying or using dodgy tactics that’ll get you in trouble later.

The Secret Sauce Syndrome

“We have special techniques we can’t discuss.”

Translation: “If we tell you what we actually do, you’ll realise it’s not worth the money we’re charging.”

The Jargon Overload

If you can’t understand half the words in their proposal, that’s not because SEO is complicated – it’s because they’re deliberately trying to confuse you.

The Technical Terrorism

“Your website has severe technical issues that are destroying your rankings!”

Usually followed by a list of minor issues dressed up to sound like digital Armageddon. (No, your site won’t implode if you have a slightly too long meta description, trust me.)

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How Legitimate, Non-Culty SEO Professionals Talk

As a bone-fide non cult, I think it’s clear that I want to help people too much to be able to knowingly confuse them.

Which is why I say things like:

  • “Your website’s a bit slow. Let’s look at why and fix it.”
  • “Your content isn’t answering the questions your customers are asking.”
  • “These pages need updating because they’re out of date.”
  • “Here’s exactly what we’re going to do, and here’s why.”

Notice the difference? No jargon. No panic. Just clear explanations and practical solutions.

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The Simple Truth About SEO

At its core, SEO is about three things:

  1. Making your website work properly
  2. Creating content that helps your target audience
  3. Building genuine authority in your industry

Everything else is just details. Yes, those details matter, but they’re not mysterious or magical. They’re just technical tasks that need doing properly.

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How to Protect Yourself From Culty SEOs

The problem with these problem SEOs is that they’re everywhere. As soon as SEO became a ‘thing’, there were people out to exploit it. But don’t let them exploit you.

Ask For Plain English

If they can’t explain what they’re doing in terms you understand, they either don’t understand it themselves or they’re hiding something.

Demand Transparency

A good SEO professional will happily explain exactly what they’re doing and why. They’ll share their tools, their methods, and their reasoning.

Check Their Work

Ask for examples of actual results they’ve achieved. Not just rankings – real business results like leads and sales.

Trust Your Gut

If something sounds too good to be true, or if you feel like you’re being deliberately confused, walk away.

And Remember

SEO isn’t a dark art. It’s not rocket science. It’s not some mysterious force that only special people can understand.

It’s a set of best practices for making your website visible to search engines and helpful to users. That’s it.

Yes, it takes work. Yes, it takes knowledge. Yes, it takes time to get right.

But it doesn’t take secret handshakes, proprietary tools, or special relationships with Google. And it definitely doesn’t need to sound like you’re hiring a cult.

So the next time an SEO tries to baffle you with bullshit, ask them to explain it like they’re talking to a human being. If they can’t (or won’t), show them the door.

Because good SEO Consultants don’t need to hide behind jargon. We get results by doing the work, not by making it sound complicated.